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Posted By admin on April 12th, 2013

While doing God’s work, which was, making old beer cans into new beer cans, I was helping a co-worker, Rick operate a tension-leveler.  He was shaking his head, totally pissed off, and very animated when he said the following: Rick)   Can you believe this? I was just talking to X (I don’t remember who X was after […]

 

King of the Road

Posted By admin on June 6th, 2013

It was about fifteen year ago, a bunch of us were Woody’s in Arvada on a Thursday night.  Slowly, everyone departed, leaving just myself and Wade’s brother “The Spudman.”  Almost all my friends have nicknames in case you haven’t noticed.  Their parents really didn’t know them well enough to name them correctly.

Nothing special was happening at Woody’s, so we decided to see what was happening at Hiccups, the bar across the street.  It was Karaoke night.  The things I like most in life are comedy, original ideas, original people, music, and especially music which is original sounding.  I see little value in somebody singing a good song badly.  Other times, people sing a bad song without improving it.  It might be 5 out of 100 performers who should be heard.

After we get our beer, we started looking through the song books to see which songs were available. Spudman says he is going to sing “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash.  He puts his name on the list and returns.  Then Spudman starts asking me what I am going to sing?

Me)  Nothing.

Spudman)  Come on, sing something.

Me)  No.

Spudman continues his pleading.

Then they announce that, “Spudman will sing Ring Of Fire.”

He went and sang his song.  He returned to the table and he tells me the we should sing a song together.  Working the angle that he will help me sing.

Spudman)  If I sing a song with you, will you sing a song?

Me)  Well…Do you know “King Of The Road” by Roger Miller?***

Spudman)  Yeah.

Me)  Ok, we both will sing that one.

Spudman goes and puts our names on the list and returns to the table.

Me)  OK… here’s what we’ll do….we will both start singing the song….and then you get down on all fours…… but just keep singing.  I’m going to slowly mount you and act like I’m fucking you doggy style, but you just keep singing.  It will be great!  I assured him.

Spudman)  I’m not going to do that!

Me)  Yeah, you got too!

Spudman)  No!

I continued my pleading.

Just then, they called us up to sing, “King Of The Road” by Roger Miller.  It took a second to connect a second microphone and they left us standing there.  The music starts with the wonderful bass line and we start the lyrics:

Trailers for sale or rent

Rooms to let…fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but..two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road.

Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination…Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out suits and shoes,
I don’t pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road.

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain’t locked
When no one’s around.

I sing,
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means

King of the road.

 By the second verse, I’m giving the Spudman the look.

He shakes his head, “No.”

I shoot him the look again.

He keeps shaking his head, “No.”

I start pointing to the floor.

He keep shaking his head “No.”

The Spudman wasn’t being very professional.  Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know he wasn’t a professional before I agreed to work with him.  I can’t believe the problem we are having!  I wasn’t even the one who wanted to sing Karaoke in firstSpudman-Cockmanzee-karaoke place.  By this time, I think we are on the third verse.  I get down on all fours while still singing.  I look over my shoulder and give the Spudman the look.  I make gestures with my head.  It takes a moment but he reluctantly mounts me.  That is when all hell broke loose.  From two or three directions, I see two or three very upset people who came running after us.  I fled!  I turned to the right did what would be the equivalent of a running but still on all fours, with the microphone in my right hand.   It only took them about ten seconds to capture me.  I was cornered like a rat in the hall.  I surrendered the microphone.  This could have all ended differently if only I had a plan.  I never even gave it any thought how this end.  Oddly, I guess I thought it would end better.

I think it’s safe to say, BOY WERE THEY PISSED!!!!!

……I remember them yelling at me……

something about…..

how I wasn’t allowed to do any “HOMO SINGING” in this bar.  Really?  How would people know that?  That was a term they just made up.   Isn’t that great, they managed to name the performance “homo singing” with only ten seconds of thought and while in hot pursuit the whole time.  These people running the Karaoke were professionals, obviously.  Finally I was working with professionals and it felt wonderful.

I too am a professional.

The next time this happens, and there will be a next time, I now have a plan!  Remember the microphone is power, so you NEVER want to give that back.  They will have to defeat me to get it back.  I will have the escape route all planned out.  It will be at least a five step process:

1).  I will flee to a safe zone under tables.  (I can see them removing a bunch chairs just to close to me but I keep moving farther in.)

2).  In case there are any intellectuals in the bar, I will quote Lee Harvey Oswald as he was paraded through the Dallas Police Station.  By microphone, while under a table, I will claim to be a Patsy, I need a lawyer, they hit me, I have not been accused of killing the President, ect….    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDDuRSgzFk

3).  I will ball up in the fetus position and protect the microphone at all times while talking into it.

4).  When they peel off a few fingers from the microphone, I will re-grab the microphone with a new hold and make them start all over.  Just like you learned as a child.

5).  I might put the thing down my pants and accuse them of grabbing my cock and not the microphone.

I will Win, that’s what Winners do, Winner’s Win.

Don’t get me wrong,  I like the Spudman but I think his inability to take direction might stand in the way of any music career he might pursue.

***Here is the back ground on that song choice:  There was a Roger Miller greatest hits album in our house when I was growing up.  My parents also had Harry Belefonte at Carnige Hall and a Ray Charles album that I would listen to endlessly.  This was the foundation of me liking music as much as I do.  I myself, had a large record collection and an even larger CD collection.  The CD collection was very complete and totaled over 3000 discs. I started with Beatles.  Listening to the Rolling Stones introduced to all the Blues greats.  If you sounded original I bought your whole catalog.  For example, Jerry Lee Lewis is original sounding in rock and roll as well as his country sound which came later.  Bear Family Records released three box sets of 1950’s and 1960’s complete recordings totaling 24 CD’s.  I bought them all in one massive purchase.  Charley Records, the English version of Chess records made all the Blues greats catalog as complete box sets as well.  I owned it all.  Anybody with an original sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

 

Cockmanzee

Cockmanzee.com Humanzee

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