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Posted By admin on April 12th, 2013

While doing God’s work, which was, making old beer cans into new beer cans, I was helping a co-worker, Rick operate a tension-leveler.  He was shaking his head, totally pissed off, and very animated when he said the following: Rick)   Can you believe this? I was just talking to X (I don’t remember who X was after […]

 

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King of the Road

Posted By admin on June 6th, 2013

It was about fifteen year ago, a bunch of us were Woody’s in Arvada on a Thursday night.  Slowly, everyone departed, leaving just myself and Wade’s brother “The Spudman.”  Almost all my friends have nicknames in case you haven’t noticed.  Their parents really didn’t know them well enough to name them correctly.

Nothing special was happening at Woody’s, so we decided to see what was happening at Hiccups, the bar across the street.  It was Karaoke night.  The things I like most in life are comedy, original ideas, original people, music, and especially music which is original sounding.  I see little value in somebody singing a good song badly.  Other times, people sing a bad song without improving it.  It might be 5 out of 100 performers who should be heard.

After we get our beer, we started looking through the song books to see which songs were available. Spudman says he is going to sing “Ring Of Fire” by Johnny Cash.  He puts his name on the list and returns.  Then Spudman starts asking me what I am going to sing?

Me)  Nothing.

Spudman)  Come on, sing something.

Me)  No.

Spudman continues his pleading.

Then they announce that, “Spudman will sing Ring Of Fire.”

He went and sang his song.  He returned to the table and he tells me the we should sing a song together.  Working the angle that he will help me sing.

Spudman)  If I sing a song with you, will you sing a song?

Me)  Well…Do you know “King Of The Road” by Roger Miller?***

Spudman)  Yeah.

Me)  Ok, we both will sing that one.

Spudman goes and puts our names on the list and returns to the table.

Me)  OK… here’s what we’ll do….we will both start singing the song….and then you get down on all fours…… but just keep singing.  I’m going to slowly mount you and act like I’m fucking you doggy style, but you just keep singing.  It will be great!  I assured him.

Spudman)  I’m not going to do that!

Me)  Yeah, you got too!

Spudman)  No!

I continued my pleading.

Just then, they called us up to sing, “King Of The Road” by Roger Miller.  It took a second to connect a second microphone and they left us standing there.  The music starts with the wonderful bass line and we start the lyrics:

Trailers for sale or rent

Rooms to let…fifty cents.
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but..two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road.

Third boxcar, midnight train
Destination…Bangor, Maine.
Old worn out suits and shoes,
I don’t pay no union dues,
I smoke old stogies I have found
Short, but not too big around
I’m a man of means by no means
King of the road.

I know every engineer on every train
All of their children, and all of their names
And every handout in every town
And every lock that ain’t locked
When no one’s around.

I sing,
Trailers for sale or rent
Rooms to let, fifty cents
No phone, no pool, no pets
I ain’t got no cigarettes
Ah, but, two hours of pushin’ broom
Buys an eight by twelve four-bit room
I’m a man of means by no means

King of the road.

 By the second verse, I’m giving the Spudman the look.

He shakes his head, “No.”

I shoot him the look again.

He keeps shaking his head, “No.”

I start pointing to the floor.

He keep shaking his head “No.”

The Spudman wasn’t being very professional.  Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know he wasn’t a professional before I agreed to work with him.  I can’t believe the problem we are having!  I wasn’t even the one who wanted to sing Karaoke in firstSpudman-Cockmanzee-karaoke place.  By this time, I think we are on the third verse.  I get down on all fours while still singing.  I look over my shoulder and give the Spudman the look.  I make gestures with my head.  It takes a moment but he reluctantly mounts me.  That is when all hell broke loose.  From two or three directions, I see two or three very upset people who came running after us.  I fled!  I turned to the right did what would be the equivalent of a running but still on all fours, with the microphone in my right hand.   It only took them about ten seconds to capture me.  I was cornered like a rat in the hall.  I surrendered the microphone.  This could have all ended differently if only I had a plan.  I never even gave it any thought how this end.  Oddly, I guess I thought it would end better.

I think it’s safe to say, BOY WERE THEY PISSED!!!!!

……I remember them yelling at me……

something about…..

how I wasn’t allowed to do any “HOMO SINGING” in this bar.  Really?  How would people know that?  That was a term they just made up.   Isn’t that great, they managed to name the performance “homo singing” with only ten seconds of thought and while in hot pursuit the whole time.  These people running the Karaoke were professionals, obviously.  Finally I was working with professionals and it felt wonderful.

I too am a professional.

The next time this happens, and there will be a next time, I now have a plan!  Remember the microphone is power, so you NEVER want to give that back.  They will have to defeat me to get it back.  I will have the escape route all planned out.  It will be at least a five step process:

1).  I will flee to a safe zone under tables.  (I can see them removing a bunch chairs just to close to me but I keep moving farther in.)

2).  In case there are any intellectuals in the bar, I will quote Lee Harvey Oswald as he was paraded through the Dallas Police Station.  By microphone, while under a table, I will claim to be a Patsy, I need a lawyer, they hit me, I have not been accused of killing the President, ect….    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4FDDuRSgzFk

3).  I will ball up in the fetus position and protect the microphone at all times while talking into it.

4).  When they peel off a few fingers from the microphone, I will re-grab the microphone with a new hold and make them start all over.  Just like you learned as a child.

5).  I might put the thing down my pants and accuse them of grabbing my cock and not the microphone.

I will Win, that’s what Winners do, Winner’s Win.

Don’t get me wrong,  I like the Spudman but I think his inability to take direction might stand in the way of any music career he might pursue.

***Here is the back ground on that song choice:  There was a Roger Miller greatest hits album in our house when I was growing up.  My parents also had Harry Belefonte at Carnige Hall and a Ray Charles album that I would listen to endlessly.  This was the foundation of me liking music as much as I do.  I myself, had a large record collection and an even larger CD collection.  The CD collection was very complete and totaled over 3000 discs. I started with Beatles.  Listening to the Rolling Stones introduced to all the Blues greats.  If you sounded original I bought your whole catalog.  For example, Jerry Lee Lewis is original sounding in rock and roll as well as his country sound which came later.  Bear Family Records released three box sets of 1950’s and 1960’s complete recordings totaling 24 CD’s.  I bought them all in one massive purchase.  Charley Records, the English version of Chess records made all the Blues greats catalog as complete box sets as well.  I owned it all.  Anybody with an original sound.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmOe27SJ3Yc

 

Cockmanzee

Cockmanzee.com Humanzee

Griff’s

Posted By Cockmanzee on April 11th, 2013

As near as I can tell, this happened in the first few weeks of September, 1983.  I remember it being just past my birthday.  Lakewood has the same Carnival that other towns put on, but they call it “Lakewood On Parade.”  We were calling it “Liquid on Parade.”  It occurs at this time of year and probably to the day.  At 21, I had just reached Adulthood.

I was working at the Lakeside Wards, when my friend Karl asked if I wanted to go camping with a couple of his friends in Avon Colorado that weekend.  This was on a Friday.  I told him I would think about it, and ask my friends.  He gave me a map.  That night, a Friday, many of us went to 6th and Kipling for “Liquid on Parade.”  We all got polluted.  Rob was even so drunk he thought he was going to puke.  Rob told us he was going to wait for us by the car.  I don’t remember who’s car that was or why he wasn’t given the keys.  Much later, when the rest of us decided to leave, we approached the car, and Rob slid out from under it.  He told us, “He was hiding under the car because, he being from Arvada, he didn’t know if they “rolled drunks” in Lakewood.”  I think he thought he was in the Bowery or something, What logic, and what a classic answer.  He’s lucky we didn’t drive over him.

I had pretty much talked myself out of going on the camping trip at this point.  When we were talking about what we thought we might do tomorrow, I told everyone that Karl was going camping but I didn’t think I would go.  To my surprise, Rob said he wanted to go, and Dan said he would go, except he didnt have any money.  Rob said he would pay for Dan to go.  It was decided that I would meet with Rob at noon, we would get some groceries, and then pick up Dan and head to the mountains in Rob’s Scout.

Grocery Shopping with Rob turned out to be a funny event.  Rob likes all the same food that I like.  Because his family was inclined to eat a lot of fast food, he didn’t eat the other things he liked as often.  He kept throwing things into the cart and saying, “we should have this for breakfast, or, this will be lunch.   This was only a two day trip and Rob had 15 meals plan.  I remember the bill came to $110.  This was for three guys, at 1983 prices.  The other thing that was funny was Dan’s food was to be different than our food.  While we were eating these huge steaks, we bought liver for Dan.  We each got ourselves a large can of cream corn and for Dan, the smallest can of regular corn.  It was always, “yeah I like that, but what is Dan going to eat.”

We went and picked up Dan.  Dan wanted to stop by Griffs to get their “giant meal deal,” because he had a coupon.  In Dan’s world, that meant he wanted someone to buy the first meal, so he could have the free meal.  Rob refused to eat Griff’s so he went across the street to the Taco Bell (the one on 58th and Upham).  So I ended up paying for the Griff’s.

While we were waiting for the food, there were two video games in their lobby.  Two kids, about the age of 6 or 7 were playing a game of Defenders on the left.  This kid was so good, he had about a dozen extra ships accumulated.  The “Osteroids” game on the right was not being played.  I put some quarters in and we started to play.  It was Dan’s turn, when I felt this fart coming on.  I turned my back to the kid and butted up to the side of his head.  It was semi intrusive and semi obvious.  I let off out this medium sized, quiet fart, and waited, while  disparately trying to keep from laughing.  Right on the side of his head.  THIS FART WAS SO HIDEOUS!!!  It smelt like raw sewage and hot rotting trash combined.  It was REALLY bad and really was dense, probably lingering in the air, for at least 5-10 minutes.  Instantly, the kid knew what had happened, and HE JUST EXPLODED INTO CUSS WORDS!!!  He was half my size and just SCREAMING at me.  I can still see the look of discuss on his face.  As near as I can gather, he was mostly mad at me and not at Dan.  He had to look up to yell at me and I had to look down at him.  Angry foul mouth kids are the best!  There were other customers in this restaurant while this was going on.  YOU FUCKER!!!  ASSHOLE!!!  GOD DAMMIT!!!  YOU FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!!  YOU FUCKHEAD ect….  This boy went on and on for about 45 seconds while Dan and I just laughed (almost crying actually).  He lost about half of the accumulated ships during this ti-raid.  He eventually tried to continue to play the game while holding his nose or breathing through his shirt.  He wasn’t worth a fuck after that.  He couldn’t concentrate.  As good as he was, his dreams of being a fighter pilot or bomber pilot, probably should have ended that day.  One little fart in the cockpit and he buckles under pressure.  He’s not the right stuff as they say.  Who’s the adult-him or me?

The Camping trip was equally eventful but I’ll save that for another time.

Cockmanzee

Cockmanzee.com Humanzee

This is the story so far…

Posted By Cockmanzee on April 11th, 2013

cockmanzee.com humanzee

The story of Oliver the Humanzee

This is about Oliver, but it is not the documentary from the discovery channel that I saw when I learned of Oliver.  The discovery channel documentary dragged out the important details until the summary at the end of the hour long show.  Within a few minutes of watching the documentary, I knew for certain that Oliver had become a problem, and it was more than likely that Janet had become a statistic.  Chimp owners always have the same problem, the chimpanzee becomes sexual.  Elvis Presley and Micheal Jackson had both gotten rid of their chimpanzees for the same reason.  Elvis could not be around women with the chimp.  The chimp couldn’t fuck something so hideous as Jackson, once Jackson’s nose fell off his face,and Micheal turned to young boys.  I’m surprised that they disclosed the sexual encounter, but as I prove, they minimized it as well.  I was elated when I guessed righted.  Probably, the most important hour of television I ever watched.  As any expert will tell you, myself included, the only things that matters are the following:

Were Oliver’s parents statistics?

What does the DNA tell us?

When did Janet first become a statistic?

According to both videos, there was an incident, where Janet was bent over an fucked by Oliver ~ year sixteen.  I usually talk like a doctor, but since you are not a doctor, I’ll put it in layman’s terms, she had been properly violated.  As if there was only incident.  Yeah, right, sell that shit to someone else.  Common sense tell’s me that year 16 was when all the sexual activity between Janet and Oliver could NO longer be hidden or explained away.  By then, Janet would just point to her vagina, a say, “It happened.”

Janet and her husband first acquired Oliver as they had acquired others.  Oliver was always different and needed special attention, which he always got from Janet.  She would mother him.  Somewhere along the line, all things went badly.  Maybe not covering up his genital’s caused her to be always be thinking and dream about it.  Just simmering.  Maybe the bubble baths they shared following a soccer game were inappropriate, especially if they lost.  Looking back, maybe Janet should not have worn lip stick and no clothes during bath time as it sent the wrong message.  I’m sure the clothes came off only so the clothes would stay dry or so she thought.

From the pictures/video I’ve seen Oliver matured quickly.  Instead of using a leash she might have been leading him around by his penis.  Also flourishing, at this time, is Janet’s notoriety, within the public and science community, for even possessing such unique specimen.  At this point in time, their lives are forever intertwined.  Like Lennon and McCartney or Jagger and Richards.  It’s hard to say whether the sex was consensual at first, after all, those monkey’s have retard strength.  I speculated this Ape Rape of Janet lasted for about 10 years.  An interesting footnote is that these acts are not considered dating.  I don’t think you can “date” an animal.  I’ve dated, no, dating is different.

I’m certain that when somebody walked in on the sexual activity of these two, it was said to be “an isolated incident.”  The next time, just a “phase Oliver is going through,” and so it continued. It is only when Janet and her husband can’t even have guests over to the house, without Oliver penetrating Janet in the guests presence do they finally confront reality.  I like how in this new video I have linked for you, A doctor contemplating taking the humanzee off Janet’s hands decides to show it to his mother.  This thing FUCKS WOMAN AT WILL, WITH RETARD STRENGTH, and he sends it his mother’s way. Classic.  What is he thinking?  This is so rich.   Everybody knows I can talk about this endlessly but this was a good start.  You can either study this subject, or study me while I study this subject.

Cockmanzee