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Posted By admin on April 12th, 2013

While doing God’s work, which was, making old beer cans into new beer cans, I was helping a co-worker, Rick operate a tension-leveler.  He was shaking his head, totally pissed off, and very animated when he said the following: Rick)   Can you believe this? I was just talking to X (I don’t remember who X was after […]


Posts Tagged ‘farts’


Posted By Cockmanzee on April 11th, 2013

As near as I can tell, this happened in the first few weeks of September, 1983.  I remember it being just past my birthday.  Lakewood has the same Carnival that other towns put on, but they call it “Lakewood On Parade.”  We were calling it “Liquid on Parade.”  It occurs at this time of year and probably to the day.  At 21, I had just reached Adulthood.

I was working at the Lakeside Wards, when my friend Karl asked if I wanted to go camping with a couple of his friends in Avon Colorado that weekend.  This was on a Friday.  I told him I would think about it, and ask my friends.  He gave me a map.  That night, a Friday, many of us went to 6th and Kipling for “Liquid on Parade.”  We all got polluted.  Rob was even so drunk he thought he was going to puke.  Rob told us he was going to wait for us by the car.  I don’t remember who’s car that was or why he wasn’t given the keys.  Much later, when the rest of us decided to leave, we approached the car, and Rob slid out from under it.  He told us, “He was hiding under the car because, he being from Arvada, he didn’t know if they “rolled drunks” in Lakewood.”  I think he thought he was in the Bowery or something, What logic, and what a classic answer.  He’s lucky we didn’t drive over him.

I had pretty much talked myself out of going on the camping trip at this point.  When we were talking about what we thought we might do tomorrow, I told everyone that Karl was going camping but I didn’t think I would go.  To my surprise, Rob said he wanted to go, and Dan said he would go, except he didnt have any money.  Rob said he would pay for Dan to go.  It was decided that I would meet with Rob at noon, we would get some groceries, and then pick up Dan and head to the mountains in Rob’s Scout.

Grocery Shopping with Rob turned out to be a funny event.  Rob likes all the same food that I like.  Because his family was inclined to eat a lot of fast food, he didn’t eat the other things he liked as often.  He kept throwing things into the cart and saying, “we should have this for breakfast, or, this will be lunch.   This was only a two day trip and Rob had 15 meals plan.  I remember the bill came to $110.  This was for three guys, at 1983 prices.  The other thing that was funny was Dan’s food was to be different than our food.  While we were eating these huge steaks, we bought liver for Dan.  We each got ourselves a large can of cream corn and for Dan, the smallest can of regular corn.  It was always, “yeah I like that, but what is Dan going to eat.”

We went and picked up Dan.  Dan wanted to stop by Griffs to get their “giant meal deal,” because he had a coupon.  In Dan’s world, that meant he wanted someone to buy the first meal, so he could have the free meal.  Rob refused to eat Griff’s so he went across the street to the Taco Bell (the one on 58th and Upham).  So I ended up paying for the Griff’s.

While we were waiting for the food, there were two video games in their lobby.  Two kids, about the age of 6 or 7 were playing a game of Defenders on the left.  This kid was so good, he had about a dozen extra ships accumulated.  The “Osteroids” game on the right was not being played.  I put some quarters in and we started to play.  It was Dan’s turn, when I felt this fart coming on.  I turned my back to the kid and butted up to the side of his head.  It was semi intrusive and semi obvious.  I let off out this medium sized, quiet fart, and waited, while  disparately trying to keep from laughing.  Right on the side of his head.  THIS FART WAS SO HIDEOUS!!!  It smelt like raw sewage and hot rotting trash combined.  It was REALLY bad and really was dense, probably lingering in the air, for at least 5-10 minutes.  Instantly, the kid knew what had happened, and HE JUST EXPLODED INTO CUSS WORDS!!!  He was half my size and just SCREAMING at me.  I can still see the look of discuss on his face.  As near as I can gather, he was mostly mad at me and not at Dan.  He had to look up to yell at me and I had to look down at him.  Angry foul mouth kids are the best!  There were other customers in this restaurant while this was going on.  YOU FUCKER!!!  ASSHOLE!!!  GOD DAMMIT!!!  YOU FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE!!  YOU FUCKHEAD ect….  This boy went on and on for about 45 seconds while Dan and I just laughed (almost crying actually).  He lost about half of the accumulated ships during this ti-raid.  He eventually tried to continue to play the game while holding his nose or breathing through his shirt.  He wasn’t worth a fuck after that.  He couldn’t concentrate.  As good as he was, his dreams of being a fighter pilot or bomber pilot, probably should have ended that day.  One little fart in the cockpit and he buckles under pressure.  He’s not the right stuff as they say.  Who’s the adult-him or me?

The Camping trip was equally eventful but I’ll save that for another time.


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